Thomas G. Kyle
                        Los Alamos, New Mexico

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered  at  one
of the national laboratories.  The element, tentatively named adminis-
tratium (Ad), has no electrons or protons, thus having  atomic  number
zero.   It does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 125
deputy associate neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy associate neutrons.
This  gives  it  an  atomic  mass  of 312.  The 312 particles are held
together in the nucleus  by  a  force  that  involves  the  continuous
exchange of mesonlike particles called memoons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.  Nevertheless,  it
can  be  detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction
in which it takes part.  According to Dr. M. Languor, one of the  dis-
coverers  of the element, a very small amount of administratium caused
one reaction that normally occurs in less than  a  second  to  require
over four days to go to completion.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it  does  not actually decay.  Instead, it undergoes an internal reor-
ganization in which associates to the neutron,  deputy  associates  to
the  neutron,  and  assistant  deputy  associates  to  the neutron all
exchange places.  A tendency has been observed for the atomic mass  to
actually increase during each reorganization.

(Added note: The element Administratium seems to dwell exclusively  on